P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
