I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
