I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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