we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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