no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
