This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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