there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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