You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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