Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize