I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
