Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
