why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
