everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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