Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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