My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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