I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
