you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
