yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
