if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The adults are the big ones right?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
