So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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