My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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