ya dads aren't the best wingmen
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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