i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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