It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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