I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
