tequila makes me forget i have legs
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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