naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
