where am i from again
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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