I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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