i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
im about as happy as oj after his trial
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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