Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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