youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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