what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
