Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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