I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
