Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
