I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
