before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
