god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize