The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
