I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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