Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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