standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We are all done wearing pants today
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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