Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
