I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
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