Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
