can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
