I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
