could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
