Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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