Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
