You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
whose parrot is this?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize