I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
