Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
