Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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